Why You Need To Forgive And How To Do It
Understanding forgiveness and using it in your life to move forward with relationships and career is a daunting task when you're feel...
Be compassionate with yourself.
Sometimes what stops people from forgiving is the pressure
to do so in the first place. Have compassion with yourself when you are having
difficulty forgiving. In many faith traditions there is a
pressure to forgive and those who cannot forgive often think they have failed. In reality, it may not be time for you to forgive, and if you force yourself to do something that you are not ready to do; you may be adding to the problem and creating another layer of resentment. Simply being willing to think about forgiveness may be your first step, and it may be enough until you arrive at clarity about what forgiveness is, and what it is not. Try not to put a schedule on your forgiveness.
pressure to forgive and those who cannot forgive often think they have failed. In reality, it may not be time for you to forgive, and if you force yourself to do something that you are not ready to do; you may be adding to the problem and creating another layer of resentment. Simply being willing to think about forgiveness may be your first step, and it may be enough until you arrive at clarity about what forgiveness is, and what it is not. Try not to put a schedule on your forgiveness.
Be clear about what forgiveness is and what it is not.
Sometimes what stops people from forgiving is that idea that
they will be condoning the behavior that hurt them. You may have to remind
yourself frequently that to forgive is not the same as saying
"It's ok
that you did that." Try seeing this perspective: You're releasing the hurt
feelings for your own sake, for the sake of your children and loved ones,
because when you do release them, more of your joy and creativity can be
present. Besides, living with un-forgiveness ends up being more stressful and
punishing to ourselves than to the one who offended us.
Have healthy boundaries.
Sometimes what stops people from forgiving is the thought
that the person they are forgiving will do what they did all over again. That
could be so. Try this perspective: Forgiveness does not mean letting people
walk all over you. Instead, it is possible to forgive someone, and kindly
choose not to hang out with them again. That may take great strength to do,
because sometimes we very much want to hang out with them and we believe they will
change because we have forgiven them.
Forget about remorse and revenge.
Sometimes what stops people from forgiving is a desire to
get even, or a hope that the person being forgiven will show some remorse.
Sometimes this is simply impossible because the person may have passed away, or
the grudge may be held against something like life itself. Revenge is not
always possible, and it is always not advisable. Getting revenge gives a mild
relief but frequently results in a feeling of guilt for having stooped to the
very kind of actions that hurt.
I hope these ideas will contribute to your willingness to
consider forgiveness as a pathway to freedom. The sheer difficulty of doing the
work lessens as we educate ourselves about why it is we should forgive and how to
do it.
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